Various tips to make you a better first date!
1. Your penis - Bring it.
2. Your condom - Don't bring it.
3. Pick her up - Always pick up your date whenever possible. By doing this you can establish where she lives and alter your jogging route accordingly. By doing this you are increasing the likelihood of a chance encounter to badger her into agreeing to a second date. Let's face it, this is the only way you're getting one. I mean, who do you think you are? Ian Ziering?
4. Vehicle Checklist - a.) Clean it. That's right, say goodbye to those discarded scratch-off lottery tickets and empty Krispy Kreme boxes that have been accumulating on the floor for the last six months. b.) Lock the window controls. Speaking from experience, it is embarrassing when your date uses the power windows in your Plymouth Voyager only to discover that none of them work properly. This will avoid the ol' "I can't get it up" conversation. c.) For the love of God, scrape the boogers off the dashboard. d.) Make sure all of the belt buckles in the backseat are not tucked into the seats. This is a big red flag to women. e.) Music is always critical. So throw that One Republic cd out with those lotto tickets Ryan Seacrest and replace it with Lykke Li. I would avoid Adele. Listening to Adele on a date only reinforces the notion that it is acceptable to be a whiny bitch.
5. Appearance - Spend no time on your appearance. Appearance is not important at all. Women almost pay no attention to a man's appearance.
6. Flowers - Get them. I don't think women love flowers, but they act like they do and what a woman acts like is all that matters. Once you start wondering about a woman's feelings you are in for a world of hurt. Besides, flowers are free at your nearest cemetery.
7. Be Late - Be late. Why? Because your date won't be ready when you arrive anyways. Women never are. They're usually busy rummaging through the cracks of their couch cushions for their last bottle of feminine deodorant spray and *trust me*, more often than naught you're gonna want to give them that extra time.
8. Eye contact - Maintain constant, unblinking eye contact throughout the date. Remember, eyes are the windows to the soul and if you're anything like me when it comes to a woman's windows, you're going to want to look in them as long as possible.
9. Dinner - Assert your male dominance by eating as fast as possible. There is nothing more emasculating on a first date than a woman downing a McChicken faster than you.
10. Compliment Her - It's a must. Women love it when you put in a good word on their appearance. You must accentuate her good attributes to make her feel secure. For example, if she has a cold sore on her bottom lip, avoid it. This will make her feel self-conscious and uncomfortable. Compliment something else. Instead, say "Hey, that's a nice upper lip you got there." This is sure to avoid any awkwardness and if you play your cards right, by the end of the date you'll be covered in Abreva residue.
11. Cell Phone - Use it as much as possible. This will let your date know that you have other women in line just waiting to be disappointed. Some of us will have to fake this, but look busy on that phone. This will also contribute to the mood of the date. Any good date should have the comfort level of a shower scene in a Werner Herzog film.
rws 11-25-11
