Footloose Alternate Ending #16

There are few universal truths, but it's safe to say one is our mutual dissatisfaction for the end of Footloose, and if you were wondering if I've considered an alternate ending to the 1984 classic flick yes I have, many times. I'll share one: 

I'm a sucker for a dramatic speech. Okay so the prom has just started, the Kenny Loggins' masterpiece is roaring, but then the mill gets raided by the FDA. Seems the FDA was nearby badgering an Amish man about selling raw milk and overheard the festivities down at the ol' Lehi Rollermills; Veteran agent Mellencamp wants to investigate. So the crotchety, yet not unreasonable agent disrupts the dance and has a few choice words for those rather decrepit looking teens:

"Stop dancing! Cut the music! Who's in charge here? Anyone? There is confetti and glitter literally pouring from the ceiling. This is a goddamn flour mill. Glitter in a flour mill uh hello! Who authorized this? Who gave unchaperoned teenagers the keys to an industrial food processing plant for a dance? This was a poor choice of venue for such an event. We will have to cite this establishment, this will have disastrous effects on your already strained local economy. Are you proud of yourselves? On top of that, I have a good mind to call my pals over at the EPA for the tractor you kids wrecked earlier in the movie that is still there, leaking oil and gasoline in the stormwater runoff. That pollution is seeping into public waterways and local water habitats. All of you are bad kids. How about the five boys we saw lying motionless in the parking lot? Who wants to explain that one? Did anyone have the civility to call an ambulance? You're a bunch of selfish monsters. You done fucked up. All for a dance.." *fade to black*

(Reverend Shaw Moore's speech from earlier in the film solemnly replays on a black screen)

"I'm standing up here before you today... with a very troubled heart. You see, my friends... I've always insisted on... taking responsibility for your lives. But, I'm really... like a first-time parent... who makes mistakes... and tries to learn from them. And like that parent... I find myself at that moment when I have to decide. Do I hold on... or do I trust you to yourselves? Let go and hope that you've understood... at least some of my lessons. If we don't start trusting our children... how will they ever become trustworthy?"

THE END.

(See it's like next level ya know, even though they seemingly defeated censorship , overturned the ban on dancing, and had the repressed townspeople reconsider their antiquated ways; they must now deal with bureaucracy and the red tape associated with that. Also, those five boys do actually die.) 

6 Bands you must see this year at Vans Warped Tour!

Another summer, another Vans Warped Tour. The lineup at this years festival is no different from the lineups of recent years: unrecognizable. The loveable pop punk bands that once permeated this festival are no more, and have been replaced with metalcore and EDM acts, but don't worry, I've already attended the tour this year and would like to make some recommendations, so here are 6 bands you should see:

1. Eat My Skorts! - Petalcore at it's finest! This all female band hails from somewhere and that's a fact. They are diigital download darlings, because they refuse to record onto any medium that has an orifice. These anti-war, anti-tampon feministas have gained a loyal following after their debut lp Your dick is a war bond.

 2. Shallow Graves Make Speed Bumps - What started as a Kickstarter ruse to simply leave New Jersey, became a band that are the perfect balance of early Sunny Day Real Estate and later Sunny Day Real Estate and have a following that is completely unaware of Sunny Day Real Estate.

 3. Darkness Is Our Light - It has been said that the DNA of the members of DIOL were harvested from a grout joint in The Viper Room long, long ago. It has also been said that they were sober when they named the band, so I don't know what to believe. A variation of the traditional L.A. hairmetal glam scene, this band includes six vocalists and a Monster Energy Drink vending machine. This band is a must-see. Cost of admission: your dignity.

 4. Emmett Til Midnight - Light up a clove cigarette and be sure to catch this gothabilly act. Mostly because they go on last and are performing near the exit. Hands down the best background music to have while a eye-patched man peddling his wares whistles at you through a chain link fence.

 5. GlowStick It Up Your Ass! - GlowStick It Up Your Ass! are the headline EDM act at this year's Warped Tour. The group surfaced from the tech-support underground after a guy saw them somewhere, and have been on a FireWire to fame ever since. If the Molly don't get you sweatin', dancing to 120bpm in the blazing two o' clock sun will.

 6. Veranda Suicide - Last, but not least. Did I mention the Vans Warped Tour provides free filtered water to all attendees? That's awesome.

First Date Advice Vol. II

First Date Advice Vol. II

1. Don't wear a novelty shirt - You're not a Female Body Inspector, and sure if you're a portly gentleman that "I beat anorexia" shirt seems funny, unless your date actually did in fact beat anorexia. Then how are you gonna pull out of that tailspin, Goose? You're not. In fact, being portly you shouldn't even be attempting maneuvers like that. Maybe a Vandelay Industries one? No. It does pay homage to the greatest show of all time, but it also may give her the false impression you are employed.

2. Speak loudly - You're a man; speak loudly. Much louder than her.

3. Talk politics - This is a topic of conversation that is sure to go over without a hiccup. It's a safe place, and disagreements are few and far between.

3. Don't be afraid to share some previous date anecdotes - Dates can be awkward, especially if it's a first date. There's a lot of pressure on both parties to keep the conversation going and it can get rather stale. We all have funny date experiences. Don't be afraid to share one or two to bring some levity and relax her. Like that one time you had to give a date the Heimlich and you jizzed in your pants. That's a riot.

4. Drink - So you're a 20-something with a valid ID? Well aren't you Mr. Perfect. You should highlight your attributes and you're not going to be featured on the cover of Men's Health anytime soon so don't be afraid to drink on a date and flash that ID, but pump the brakes, William Holden; that doesn't mean order everything on the drink menu.

5. Keep the conversation going - Conversation is the key to any good date and avoid awkward silences around every turn. Avoid this. Even if you're on a movie date. If you're watching a movie with sex scene, ask her "What are they doing?". In my experience, playing dumb when it comes to sex is a good thing. So that in the event that she agrees to have sex with you, and no matter how mediocre you are at it, your performance might actually be a welcome surprise.

6. Don't talk sex - This is a big turn off, and it's a matter that does not pertain to you. By this point, you're a drunk man talking about "that time I jizzed in my pants." It's safe to say she knows you're not picky.

7. Be Christian Slater - Only if you want laid. That's right. Your voice and mannerisms should be as close to Christian Slater's (circa Heathers) as possible. In fact, if you do a decent Christian Slater please pay no heed to the previous six tips; you won't need them because it's already Hammertime for you. If you don't want laid, then just use your actual, boring human-like voice and eyebrows.

8. Wait, maybe I mean Christian Bale? - Wait, maybe I mean Christian Bale?

Desecrated corpses, let's talk about 'em..

Recently, a 39-second video showing Marines urinating on corpses surfaced. I know, what's the big deal? Well, when these Marines drained their "devil dogs" they weren't stationed in Thailand, a place where you can do that sort of thing.  This has set off a media firestorm over the proper use of frontal nudity in the battlefield and a startling breech in proper corpse desecration etiquette. Which in this part of the world is dragging the trampled remains of the victim through the streets with a stolen vehicle and capturing the entire incident on a grainy cell phone video. Golden showers are a no-no. As an American, I think it is critical that people around the world know this behavior is not typical for our Marines. In fact, this behavior is not typical for most people. Most people don't voluntarily urinate on camera (I'm not most people). And let it be said, that these particular soldiers are in no way experts on interrogation techniques and this video may be just the thing to sway some opinions on the ethics of water boarding. I do not condone the behavior of the Marines in this video, but I do think it is important to understand a few things before we take a position of moral absolutism when it comes to whizzing on dead dudes.

Firstly, one should take into consideration that the Marines in this video are men. Everyone knows men cannot resist peeing on stuff. It's in our genetic makeup, a vital truth that should not be overlooked. Men like to pee on stuff and they're proud of it.   This is common knowledge. Whether it be the bloodied body of a militant, or something more common, such as a plant or snow or a sleeping friend, toilet seats, a girlfriend's toothbrush, in the iced tea dispenser at McDonald's, in an urn, off of a balcony, on an electric fence, on a campfire, on a pair of Crocs, on a John Mellencamp LP, in your neighbor's pool, through a screen door, on an ant hill, in an aquarium, on patio furniture, in mason jars for safekeeping, etc. I could go on forever, but you get the idea. That was just a few of the things the average man pisses on in a typical week. To think a few bodies in the most remote part of the world would not eventually make it's way onto this list is kind of naive. I don't mean to brag, but I can work a stream of piss like a rhythmic gymnast's ribbon stick. But I will concede. I guess if you really take away all of the glamorous nuances of pissing on a dead man, it is rather tacky and may not translate well comedically in certain parts of the world. That said, Americans should still thank their lucky 50 stars that they chose urination instead of another bodily function as a means of desecration.

Secondly, let's not place blame before getting all the facts. We are assuming that the reasons for the Marines urinating were purely contemptuous, but what if there are reasonable explanations for it?  Maybe these soldiers were simply easing the pain of a recent jellyfish sting by urinating on........their..gaping, exit wounds? The Aztecs commonly used urine as an antiseptic on the battlefield. Urine is a sterile liquid after all, but the most likely explanation for this episode is tooth whitening. The Romans were known to use urine to whiten their teeth and this makes sense to any rationally minded, red-blooded American in this scenario. Sure it does. Unless you hate America of course.

Thirdly, this is a perfect example of reverse-sexism in the media. Had these Marines been women, this would not be frowned upon, but celebrated. The act would be deemed the sexiest thing since Nancy Grace's nip slip. That's not fair. 

I hope this article put some things in perspective. Mostly, that cell phones and digital cameras are unforgiving bitches, but also that we cannot put ourselves in the shoes of a soldier. These soldiers are under intense stress and huge R. Kelly fans and should not be vilified! Perhaps less hydrated, but definitely not vilified. Oh yeah, and that defiling bodies is probably not a good idea.

Poems of Listless Past - Vol. I

I've been going through some of my old notebooks and I'm discovering some cringeworthy entries. Truth be told, I have a knack for composing the kind of limericks that usually can only be found in an LFO album. Which only reinforces the overwhelming consensus from my peers that my future in writing is limited to tampon advertisements. Let me take this opportunity to inform those naysayers that tampon ad's do require the skill of an adept writer. Those spots are challenging, bring about writer's block that only a fervent diligence in the art of writing can dislodge. It takes a skilled wordsmith to stimulate a free-flow of insight, that will eventually absorb the attention of the consumer. Even if my writing career is confined to the feminine products industry, I still intend to make an indelible mark. So all of my critics, which I presume to be red with envy, should pad their arguments before they attempt to trivialize my pursuits. Let's get on with my humiliation shall we?

First up, 'Amber'. Is this a heartfelt birthday poem for a friend of my past or the lyrics to a Daniel Powter song? Hell if I know!

Amber (birthday)
Amber is the color of
a tropical sunrise
lamp lit streets
and warm pumpkin pies

Amber is the color of
a Bengal tigers eyes
traffic lights
and burnt summer skies

Amber is the color of
October and the edges of dimes
a girl who is beautiful
but hasn't heard it enough times

Amber is the color of
a girl who gives good advice
whenever I need it
and never thinks twice

Amber is the color of
a love that never dies
a girl who is pretty
even when she cries

(I actually deleted the last four stanzas for anonymity as well as brevity, I mean, how long should this have gone on?)

GOP 2012

This week's post is a deeper look inside the race for the Republican nomination for the Presidency and I got all up in there. I'll explore the con's and con's of each candidate and my reasoning for voting or not voting for each candidate. I don't claim to be an expert in politics, but this will be more coherent than anything you've ever heard on Rev. Al's show!

Rick Perry - The Manchurian Candidate! Although his brain hasn't been hijacked by Communists, but by movie executives that will use the office of the President to protect the integrity of the 'Smokey and The Bandit' franchise. Rick may be the perfect candidate. He is likable, charismatic, debates effortlessly and never makes a gaffe. He is nimble and graceful like a deer. A deer that has strayed into an urban area, become confused and upon seeing it's own reflection, crashed through the storefront glass of a bank. We've all seen those videos. This is the Republican candidate most likely to light his own farts. When this guy isn't doing homophobic PSA's from the set of Brokeback Mountain, he's listening to Bob Seger and building Lego's - two things I can definitely get behind. Ironically, for being such a homophobe, he strikes me as the type of guy that picks the urinal right next to you when others are available and starts up a conversation.

The deal breaker:  I read somewhere he described Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique' as "contrived and hackneyed" and praised 'Tosca' as Puccini's greatest work. Sir, I heartily disagree.

Newt Gingrich - For all those who were bummed John Edwards or the Anti-Christ weren't throwing their hats into the ring this year, Newt should satisfy all your needs. What's not to love? He could be just the guy to lead this country....as long as it doesn't get diagnosed with cancer, then he's outta here. His biggest obstacle in the race will be his divisiveness. He is infuriating. He makes even the most reserved people angry, I think Noam Chomsky even called him a "fuckwad"*. On the other hand, his name is very presidential - Newt Gingrich. There hasn't been a more mellifluous coupling of words since fecal and matter.
  
The deal breaker: His very existence.

Willard "Mitt" Romney - The second most qualified public figure named "Willard" to be President. The first being Willard Scott of course. Willard Scott's superior intellect and substance, coupled with his vast knowledge of birthday greeting give him a commanding edge. Willard Scott created Ronald McDonald, but his put his clowning days behind him. Mitt should do the same. In fact, I'd sooner vote for Willow Smith than Willard Romney.  I have a more clear understanding on where that eleven year old stands on abortion, or do I?

The deal breaker: To be honest, I'm jealous of that hair.

Rick Santorum - The original, obligatory anti-gay marriage GOP candidate. This guy compares homosexuality to bestiality.  Homosexuals and zoophiles are two factions in America that have historically never gotten along and he is bringing them together. That is commendable!

 The deal breaker: I bet Rick Santorum's email has a @hotmail.com extension. What a fag.

Michele Bachmann - If your biggest concern is a looming American flag lapel pin shortage then this Michelle Duggar wannabe should get your vote. I'm convinced she even wears one on her bra, "just in case".

The deal breaker: I won't vote for a woman. Women on their periods attract bears.

John Huntsman -  Hot damn! I haven't  been this excited about a bid for the Presidency since Benjamin Bristow in 1876, something I know absolutely nothing about. The bright side for Huntsman is that he will almost certainly be the VP pick for the winning candidate because of his strong stand on not having a strong stand on any issue.

The deal breaker: I just Googled him and his name is actually spelled "Jon". I'll never remember that. Sorry John.

Ron Paul - There is still for hope for a brighter tomorrow in this country considering this guy is just an eyebrow tweezing from the Oval Office. I'm voting for him, but if he thins them out, I'll *proudly* vote for him.


* Noam Chomsky did not call Newt Gingrich a "fuckwad"

Tears, jerk!

 I know that all of you look at my 145lb. frame, absence of tattoos, and my thigh-high cut-off jean shorts and think: What does this alpha male-type know about sensitivity? Although you may think I don't have a sensitive bone in my body, I do, it's undoubtedly my biggest bone. So, I've assembled a short list of films I've cried during. And I mean cried, really cried. I don't mean having your eyes getting a little glassy. Like that time your parents sat you down and broke the news that your biological father was a transient your mom met in the parking lot of Jo-Ann Fabrics and after giving her "alterations" on the hood of a Citation, skipped town. I'm talking real, genuine emotion. The kind of emotion that can only be stirred by flimsy plot lines and mediocre acting.  I've listed them below. Unfortunately, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Boyz n the Hood (1991) - This is the only Cuba Gooding Jr. film I've ever cried during. That's if you don't count the tears I shed for dropping $8.50 to see Snow Dogs in the theater. Ricky didn't deserve to die, Doughboy on the other hand....We should also take into account that this kicked off Ice Cube's acting career. That's something we can all cry about.

Playing by Heart (1998) - I know, I know. Ryan Phillippe has AIDS, so why am I not laughing? This may be the last tolerable performance Angelina Jolie made as well. Spoiler Alert: Sean Connery is married in this film and does *not* beat his wife.

Schindler's List (1993)- Sike! I'm kidding.

Boys Don't Cry (1999) - The hell they don't! Especially when you realize Hilary Swank has bigger arms than you and could kick your ass. Sure, after watching this my dignity is on par with Hilary's estrogen levels - non-existent, but it sure does beat watching 'The Next Karate Kid' again.

Legends of the Fall (1994) - In my defense, that movie is so damn long I believe I was suffering from some sort of dehydration-induced delirium. 

Donnie Darko (2001) - I totally relate to Donnie. We have something in common - we both have imaginary friends in rabbit form. Mine is named 'Francis' and although he is able to talk to me and his hands are empty, he's holding a carrot. Yeah, think about that...

Hope Floats (1998) - I normally giggle when Sandra Bullock takes on a dramatic role, but ever since I became a daddy I can't sit through one scene featuring Bernice.........or Harry Connick Jr. Who told this man he should live?

Steel Magnolias (1989) - Yep, it takes a real man to admit that. I don't cry when Julia Roberts' character dies, I mean that was long overdue, but I get a little misty-eyed when I think of the poor sap who had to bang Daryl Hannah. Eww.

Transformers: The Movie (1986) - Yep, the big one! Ever since I was a young boy, I wanted to grow up to be an 18-wheeler, so I really bonded with Optimus Prime. Looking back, I wish my mother would of spared me the emotional trauma that came with seeing Optimus Prime, Ironhide, Prowl, Ratchet, Brawn, Windcharger, and Wheeljack die. Rodimus Prime will always be the "Captain Picard" of Primes.