First Date Advice Vol. II
1. Don't wear a novelty shirt - You're not a Female Body Inspector, and sure if you're a portly gentleman that "I beat anorexia" shirt seems funny, unless your date actually did in fact beat anorexia. Then how are you gonna pull out of that tailspin, Goose? You're not. In fact, being portly you shouldn't even be attempting maneuvers like that. Maybe a Vandelay Industries one? No. It does pay homage to the greatest show of all time, but it also may give her the false impression you are employed.
2. Speak loudly - You're a man; speak loudly. Much louder than her.
3. Talk politics - This is a topic of conversation that is sure to go over without a hiccup. It's a safe place, and disagreements are few and far between.
3. Don't be afraid to share some previous date anecdotes - Dates can be awkward, especially if it's a first date. There's a lot of pressure on both parties to keep the conversation going and it can get rather stale. We all have funny date experiences. Don't be afraid to share one or two to bring some levity and relax her. Like that one time you had to give a date the Heimlich and you jizzed in your pants. That's a riot.
4. Drink - So you're a 20-something with a valid ID? Well aren't you Mr. Perfect. You should highlight your attributes and you're not going to be featured on the cover of Men's Health anytime soon so don't be afraid to drink on a date and flash that ID, but pump the brakes, William Holden; that doesn't mean order everything on the drink menu.
5. Keep the conversation going - Conversation is the key to any good date and avoid awkward silences around every turn. Avoid this. Even if you're on a movie date. If you're watching a movie with sex scene, ask her "What are they doing?". In my experience, playing dumb when it comes to sex is a good thing. So that in the event that she agrees to have sex with you, and no matter how mediocre you are at it, your performance might actually be a welcome surprise.
6. Don't talk sex - This is a big turn off, and it's a matter that does not pertain to you. By this point, you're a drunk man talking about "that time I jizzed in my pants." It's safe to say she knows you're not picky.
7. Be Christian Slater - Only if you want laid. That's right. Your voice and mannerisms should be as close to Christian Slater's (circa Heathers) as possible. In fact, if you do a decent Christian Slater please pay no heed to the previous six tips; you won't need them because it's already Hammertime for you. If you don't want laid, then just use your actual, boring human-like voice and eyebrows.
8. Wait, maybe I mean Christian Bale? - Wait, maybe I mean Christian Bale?
1. Don't wear a novelty shirt - You're not a Female Body Inspector, and sure if you're a portly gentleman that "I beat anorexia" shirt seems funny, unless your date actually did in fact beat anorexia. Then how are you gonna pull out of that tailspin, Goose? You're not. In fact, being portly you shouldn't even be attempting maneuvers like that. Maybe a Vandelay Industries one? No. It does pay homage to the greatest show of all time, but it also may give her the false impression you are employed.
2. Speak loudly - You're a man; speak loudly. Much louder than her.
3. Talk politics - This is a topic of conversation that is sure to go over without a hiccup. It's a safe place, and disagreements are few and far between.
3. Don't be afraid to share some previous date anecdotes - Dates can be awkward, especially if it's a first date. There's a lot of pressure on both parties to keep the conversation going and it can get rather stale. We all have funny date experiences. Don't be afraid to share one or two to bring some levity and relax her. Like that one time you had to give a date the Heimlich and you jizzed in your pants. That's a riot.
4. Drink - So you're a 20-something with a valid ID? Well aren't you Mr. Perfect. You should highlight your attributes and you're not going to be featured on the cover of Men's Health anytime soon so don't be afraid to drink on a date and flash that ID, but pump the brakes, William Holden; that doesn't mean order everything on the drink menu.
5. Keep the conversation going - Conversation is the key to any good date and avoid awkward silences around every turn. Avoid this. Even if you're on a movie date. If you're watching a movie with sex scene, ask her "What are they doing?". In my experience, playing dumb when it comes to sex is a good thing. So that in the event that she agrees to have sex with you, and no matter how mediocre you are at it, your performance might actually be a welcome surprise.
6. Don't talk sex - This is a big turn off, and it's a matter that does not pertain to you. By this point, you're a drunk man talking about "that time I jizzed in my pants." It's safe to say she knows you're not picky.
7. Be Christian Slater - Only if you want laid. That's right. Your voice and mannerisms should be as close to Christian Slater's (circa Heathers) as possible. In fact, if you do a decent Christian Slater please pay no heed to the previous six tips; you won't need them because it's already Hammertime for you. If you don't want laid, then just use your actual, boring human-like voice and eyebrows.
8. Wait, maybe I mean Christian Bale? - Wait, maybe I mean Christian Bale?
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