GOP 2012

This week's post is a deeper look inside the race for the Republican nomination for the Presidency and I got all up in there. I'll explore the con's and con's of each candidate and my reasoning for voting or not voting for each candidate. I don't claim to be an expert in politics, but this will be more coherent than anything you've ever heard on Rev. Al's show!

Rick Perry - The Manchurian Candidate! Although his brain hasn't been hijacked by Communists, but by movie executives that will use the office of the President to protect the integrity of the 'Smokey and The Bandit' franchise. Rick may be the perfect candidate. He is likable, charismatic, debates effortlessly and never makes a gaffe. He is nimble and graceful like a deer. A deer that has strayed into an urban area, become confused and upon seeing it's own reflection, crashed through the storefront glass of a bank. We've all seen those videos. This is the Republican candidate most likely to light his own farts. When this guy isn't doing homophobic PSA's from the set of Brokeback Mountain, he's listening to Bob Seger and building Lego's - two things I can definitely get behind. Ironically, for being such a homophobe, he strikes me as the type of guy that picks the urinal right next to you when others are available and starts up a conversation.

The deal breaker:  I read somewhere he described Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique' as "contrived and hackneyed" and praised 'Tosca' as Puccini's greatest work. Sir, I heartily disagree.

Newt Gingrich - For all those who were bummed John Edwards or the Anti-Christ weren't throwing their hats into the ring this year, Newt should satisfy all your needs. What's not to love? He could be just the guy to lead this country....as long as it doesn't get diagnosed with cancer, then he's outta here. His biggest obstacle in the race will be his divisiveness. He is infuriating. He makes even the most reserved people angry, I think Noam Chomsky even called him a "fuckwad"*. On the other hand, his name is very presidential - Newt Gingrich. There hasn't been a more mellifluous coupling of words since fecal and matter.
  
The deal breaker: His very existence.

Willard "Mitt" Romney - The second most qualified public figure named "Willard" to be President. The first being Willard Scott of course. Willard Scott's superior intellect and substance, coupled with his vast knowledge of birthday greeting give him a commanding edge. Willard Scott created Ronald McDonald, but his put his clowning days behind him. Mitt should do the same. In fact, I'd sooner vote for Willow Smith than Willard Romney.  I have a more clear understanding on where that eleven year old stands on abortion, or do I?

The deal breaker: To be honest, I'm jealous of that hair.

Rick Santorum - The original, obligatory anti-gay marriage GOP candidate. This guy compares homosexuality to bestiality.  Homosexuals and zoophiles are two factions in America that have historically never gotten along and he is bringing them together. That is commendable!

 The deal breaker: I bet Rick Santorum's email has a @hotmail.com extension. What a fag.

Michele Bachmann - If your biggest concern is a looming American flag lapel pin shortage then this Michelle Duggar wannabe should get your vote. I'm convinced she even wears one on her bra, "just in case".

The deal breaker: I won't vote for a woman. Women on their periods attract bears.

John Huntsman -  Hot damn! I haven't  been this excited about a bid for the Presidency since Benjamin Bristow in 1876, something I know absolutely nothing about. The bright side for Huntsman is that he will almost certainly be the VP pick for the winning candidate because of his strong stand on not having a strong stand on any issue.

The deal breaker: I just Googled him and his name is actually spelled "Jon". I'll never remember that. Sorry John.

Ron Paul - There is still for hope for a brighter tomorrow in this country considering this guy is just an eyebrow tweezing from the Oval Office. I'm voting for him, but if he thins them out, I'll *proudly* vote for him.


* Noam Chomsky did not call Newt Gingrich a "fuckwad"