First Date Advice Vol. II

First Date Advice Vol. II

1. Don't wear a novelty shirt - You're not a Female Body Inspector, and sure if you're a portly gentleman that "I beat anorexia" shirt seems funny, unless your date actually did in fact beat anorexia. Then how are you gonna pull out of that tailspin, Goose? You're not. In fact, being portly you shouldn't even be attempting maneuvers like that. Maybe a Vandelay Industries one? No. It does pay homage to the greatest show of all time, but it also may give her the false impression you are employed.

2. Speak loudly - You're a man; speak loudly. Much louder than her.

3. Talk politics - This is a topic of conversation that is sure to go over without a hiccup. It's a safe place, and disagreements are few and far between.

3. Don't be afraid to share some previous date anecdotes - Dates can be awkward, especially if it's a first date. There's a lot of pressure on both parties to keep the conversation going and it can get rather stale. We all have funny date experiences. Don't be afraid to share one or two to bring some levity and relax her. Like that one time you had to give a date the Heimlich and you jizzed in your pants. That's a riot.

4. Drink - So you're a 20-something with a valid ID? Well aren't you Mr. Perfect. You should highlight your attributes and you're not going to be featured on the cover of Men's Health anytime soon so don't be afraid to drink on a date and flash that ID, but pump the brakes, William Holden; that doesn't mean order everything on the drink menu.

5. Keep the conversation going - Conversation is the key to any good date and avoid awkward silences around every turn. Avoid this. Even if you're on a movie date. If you're watching a movie with sex scene, ask her "What are they doing?". In my experience, playing dumb when it comes to sex is a good thing. So that in the event that she agrees to have sex with you, and no matter how mediocre you are at it, your performance might actually be a welcome surprise.

6. Don't talk sex - This is a big turn off, and it's a matter that does not pertain to you. By this point, you're a drunk man talking about "that time I jizzed in my pants." It's safe to say she knows you're not picky.

7. Be Christian Slater - Only if you want laid. That's right. Your voice and mannerisms should be as close to Christian Slater's (circa Heathers) as possible. In fact, if you do a decent Christian Slater please pay no heed to the previous six tips; you won't need them because it's already Hammertime for you. If you don't want laid, then just use your actual, boring human-like voice and eyebrows.

8. Wait, maybe I mean Christian Bale? - Wait, maybe I mean Christian Bale?

Desecrated corpses, let's talk about 'em..

Recently, a 39-second video showing Marines urinating on corpses surfaced. I know, what's the big deal? Well, when these Marines drained their "devil dogs" they weren't stationed in Thailand, a place where you can do that sort of thing.  This has set off a media firestorm over the proper use of frontal nudity in the battlefield and a startling breech in proper corpse desecration etiquette. Which in this part of the world is dragging the trampled remains of the victim through the streets with a stolen vehicle and capturing the entire incident on a grainy cell phone video. Golden showers are a no-no. As an American, I think it is critical that people around the world know this behavior is not typical for our Marines. In fact, this behavior is not typical for most people. Most people don't voluntarily urinate on camera (I'm not most people). And let it be said, that these particular soldiers are in no way experts on interrogation techniques and this video may be just the thing to sway some opinions on the ethics of water boarding. I do not condone the behavior of the Marines in this video, but I do think it is important to understand a few things before we take a position of moral absolutism when it comes to whizzing on dead dudes.

Firstly, one should take into consideration that the Marines in this video are men. Everyone knows men cannot resist peeing on stuff. It's in our genetic makeup, a vital truth that should not be overlooked. Men like to pee on stuff and they're proud of it.   This is common knowledge. Whether it be the bloodied body of a militant, or something more common, such as a plant or snow or a sleeping friend, toilet seats, a girlfriend's toothbrush, in the iced tea dispenser at McDonald's, in an urn, off of a balcony, on an electric fence, on a campfire, on a pair of Crocs, on a John Mellencamp LP, in your neighbor's pool, through a screen door, on an ant hill, in an aquarium, on patio furniture, in mason jars for safekeeping, etc. I could go on forever, but you get the idea. That was just a few of the things the average man pisses on in a typical week. To think a few bodies in the most remote part of the world would not eventually make it's way onto this list is kind of naive. I don't mean to brag, but I can work a stream of piss like a rhythmic gymnast's ribbon stick. But I will concede. I guess if you really take away all of the glamorous nuances of pissing on a dead man, it is rather tacky and may not translate well comedically in certain parts of the world. That said, Americans should still thank their lucky 50 stars that they chose urination instead of another bodily function as a means of desecration.

Secondly, let's not place blame before getting all the facts. We are assuming that the reasons for the Marines urinating were purely contemptuous, but what if there are reasonable explanations for it?  Maybe these soldiers were simply easing the pain of a recent jellyfish sting by urinating on........their..gaping, exit wounds? The Aztecs commonly used urine as an antiseptic on the battlefield. Urine is a sterile liquid after all, but the most likely explanation for this episode is tooth whitening. The Romans were known to use urine to whiten their teeth and this makes sense to any rationally minded, red-blooded American in this scenario. Sure it does. Unless you hate America of course.

Thirdly, this is a perfect example of reverse-sexism in the media. Had these Marines been women, this would not be frowned upon, but celebrated. The act would be deemed the sexiest thing since Nancy Grace's nip slip. That's not fair. 

I hope this article put some things in perspective. Mostly, that cell phones and digital cameras are unforgiving bitches, but also that we cannot put ourselves in the shoes of a soldier. These soldiers are under intense stress and huge R. Kelly fans and should not be vilified! Perhaps less hydrated, but definitely not vilified. Oh yeah, and that defiling bodies is probably not a good idea.

Poems of Listless Past - Vol. I

I've been going through some of my old notebooks and I'm discovering some cringeworthy entries. Truth be told, I have a knack for composing the kind of limericks that usually can only be found in an LFO album. Which only reinforces the overwhelming consensus from my peers that my future in writing is limited to tampon advertisements. Let me take this opportunity to inform those naysayers that tampon ad's do require the skill of an adept writer. Those spots are challenging, bring about writer's block that only a fervent diligence in the art of writing can dislodge. It takes a skilled wordsmith to stimulate a free-flow of insight, that will eventually absorb the attention of the consumer. Even if my writing career is confined to the feminine products industry, I still intend to make an indelible mark. So all of my critics, which I presume to be red with envy, should pad their arguments before they attempt to trivialize my pursuits. Let's get on with my humiliation shall we?

First up, 'Amber'. Is this a heartfelt birthday poem for a friend of my past or the lyrics to a Daniel Powter song? Hell if I know!

Amber (birthday)
Amber is the color of
a tropical sunrise
lamp lit streets
and warm pumpkin pies

Amber is the color of
a Bengal tigers eyes
traffic lights
and burnt summer skies

Amber is the color of
October and the edges of dimes
a girl who is beautiful
but hasn't heard it enough times

Amber is the color of
a girl who gives good advice
whenever I need it
and never thinks twice

Amber is the color of
a love that never dies
a girl who is pretty
even when she cries

(I actually deleted the last four stanzas for anonymity as well as brevity, I mean, how long should this have gone on?)

GOP 2012

This week's post is a deeper look inside the race for the Republican nomination for the Presidency and I got all up in there. I'll explore the con's and con's of each candidate and my reasoning for voting or not voting for each candidate. I don't claim to be an expert in politics, but this will be more coherent than anything you've ever heard on Rev. Al's show!

Rick Perry - The Manchurian Candidate! Although his brain hasn't been hijacked by Communists, but by movie executives that will use the office of the President to protect the integrity of the 'Smokey and The Bandit' franchise. Rick may be the perfect candidate. He is likable, charismatic, debates effortlessly and never makes a gaffe. He is nimble and graceful like a deer. A deer that has strayed into an urban area, become confused and upon seeing it's own reflection, crashed through the storefront glass of a bank. We've all seen those videos. This is the Republican candidate most likely to light his own farts. When this guy isn't doing homophobic PSA's from the set of Brokeback Mountain, he's listening to Bob Seger and building Lego's - two things I can definitely get behind. Ironically, for being such a homophobe, he strikes me as the type of guy that picks the urinal right next to you when others are available and starts up a conversation.

The deal breaker:  I read somewhere he described Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique' as "contrived and hackneyed" and praised 'Tosca' as Puccini's greatest work. Sir, I heartily disagree.

Newt Gingrich - For all those who were bummed John Edwards or the Anti-Christ weren't throwing their hats into the ring this year, Newt should satisfy all your needs. What's not to love? He could be just the guy to lead this country....as long as it doesn't get diagnosed with cancer, then he's outta here. His biggest obstacle in the race will be his divisiveness. He is infuriating. He makes even the most reserved people angry, I think Noam Chomsky even called him a "fuckwad"*. On the other hand, his name is very presidential - Newt Gingrich. There hasn't been a more mellifluous coupling of words since fecal and matter.
  
The deal breaker: His very existence.

Willard "Mitt" Romney - The second most qualified public figure named "Willard" to be President. The first being Willard Scott of course. Willard Scott's superior intellect and substance, coupled with his vast knowledge of birthday greeting give him a commanding edge. Willard Scott created Ronald McDonald, but his put his clowning days behind him. Mitt should do the same. In fact, I'd sooner vote for Willow Smith than Willard Romney.  I have a more clear understanding on where that eleven year old stands on abortion, or do I?

The deal breaker: To be honest, I'm jealous of that hair.

Rick Santorum - The original, obligatory anti-gay marriage GOP candidate. This guy compares homosexuality to bestiality.  Homosexuals and zoophiles are two factions in America that have historically never gotten along and he is bringing them together. That is commendable!

 The deal breaker: I bet Rick Santorum's email has a @hotmail.com extension. What a fag.

Michele Bachmann - If your biggest concern is a looming American flag lapel pin shortage then this Michelle Duggar wannabe should get your vote. I'm convinced she even wears one on her bra, "just in case".

The deal breaker: I won't vote for a woman. Women on their periods attract bears.

John Huntsman -  Hot damn! I haven't  been this excited about a bid for the Presidency since Benjamin Bristow in 1876, something I know absolutely nothing about. The bright side for Huntsman is that he will almost certainly be the VP pick for the winning candidate because of his strong stand on not having a strong stand on any issue.

The deal breaker: I just Googled him and his name is actually spelled "Jon". I'll never remember that. Sorry John.

Ron Paul - There is still for hope for a brighter tomorrow in this country considering this guy is just an eyebrow tweezing from the Oval Office. I'm voting for him, but if he thins them out, I'll *proudly* vote for him.


* Noam Chomsky did not call Newt Gingrich a "fuckwad"

Tears, jerk!

 I know that all of you look at my 145lb. frame, absence of tattoos, and my thigh-high cut-off jean shorts and think: What does this alpha male-type know about sensitivity? Although you may think I don't have a sensitive bone in my body, I do, it's undoubtedly my biggest bone. So, I've assembled a short list of films I've cried during. And I mean cried, really cried. I don't mean having your eyes getting a little glassy. Like that time your parents sat you down and broke the news that your biological father was a transient your mom met in the parking lot of Jo-Ann Fabrics and after giving her "alterations" on the hood of a Citation, skipped town. I'm talking real, genuine emotion. The kind of emotion that can only be stirred by flimsy plot lines and mediocre acting.  I've listed them below. Unfortunately, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Boyz n the Hood (1991) - This is the only Cuba Gooding Jr. film I've ever cried during. That's if you don't count the tears I shed for dropping $8.50 to see Snow Dogs in the theater. Ricky didn't deserve to die, Doughboy on the other hand....We should also take into account that this kicked off Ice Cube's acting career. That's something we can all cry about.

Playing by Heart (1998) - I know, I know. Ryan Phillippe has AIDS, so why am I not laughing? This may be the last tolerable performance Angelina Jolie made as well. Spoiler Alert: Sean Connery is married in this film and does *not* beat his wife.

Schindler's List (1993)- Sike! I'm kidding.

Boys Don't Cry (1999) - The hell they don't! Especially when you realize Hilary Swank has bigger arms than you and could kick your ass. Sure, after watching this my dignity is on par with Hilary's estrogen levels - non-existent, but it sure does beat watching 'The Next Karate Kid' again.

Legends of the Fall (1994) - In my defense, that movie is so damn long I believe I was suffering from some sort of dehydration-induced delirium. 

Donnie Darko (2001) - I totally relate to Donnie. We have something in common - we both have imaginary friends in rabbit form. Mine is named 'Francis' and although he is able to talk to me and his hands are empty, he's holding a carrot. Yeah, think about that...

Hope Floats (1998) - I normally giggle when Sandra Bullock takes on a dramatic role, but ever since I became a daddy I can't sit through one scene featuring Bernice.........or Harry Connick Jr. Who told this man he should live?

Steel Magnolias (1989) - Yep, it takes a real man to admit that. I don't cry when Julia Roberts' character dies, I mean that was long overdue, but I get a little misty-eyed when I think of the poor sap who had to bang Daryl Hannah. Eww.

Transformers: The Movie (1986) - Yep, the big one! Ever since I was a young boy, I wanted to grow up to be an 18-wheeler, so I really bonded with Optimus Prime. Looking back, I wish my mother would of spared me the emotional trauma that came with seeing Optimus Prime, Ironhide, Prowl, Ratchet, Brawn, Windcharger, and Wheeljack die. Rodimus Prime will always be the "Captain Picard" of Primes.

First Date Advice Vol. I

Various tips to make you a better first date!

1. Your penis - Bring it.

2. Your condom - Don't bring it.

3. Pick her up - Always pick up your date whenever possible. By doing this you can establish where she lives and alter your jogging route accordingly. By doing this you are increasing the likelihood of a chance encounter to badger her into agreeing to a second date. Let's face it, this is the only way you're getting one. I mean, who do you think you are? Ian Ziering?

4. Vehicle Checklist - a.) Clean it. That's right, say goodbye to those discarded scratch-off lottery tickets and empty Krispy Kreme boxes that have been accumulating on the floor for the last six months. b.) Lock the window controls. Speaking from experience, it is embarrassing when your date uses the power windows in your Plymouth Voyager only to discover that none of them work properly. This will avoid the ol' "I can't get it up" conversation. c.) For the love of God, scrape the boogers off the dashboard.  d.) Make sure all of the belt buckles in the backseat are not tucked into the seats. This is a big red flag to women. e.) Music is always critical. So throw that One Republic cd out with those lotto tickets Ryan Seacrest and replace it with Lykke Li. I would avoid Adele. Listening to Adele on a date only reinforces the notion that it is acceptable to be a whiny bitch.

5. Appearance - Spend no time on your appearance. Appearance is not important at all. Women almost pay no attention to a man's appearance.

6. Flowers - Get them. I don't think women love flowers, but they act like they do and what a woman acts like is all that matters. Once you start wondering about a woman's feelings you are in for a world of hurt. Besides, flowers are free at your nearest cemetery.

7. Be Late - Be late. Why? Because your date won't be ready when you arrive anyways. Women never are. They're usually busy rummaging through the cracks of their couch cushions for their last bottle of feminine deodorant spray and *trust me*, more often than naught you're gonna want to give them that extra time. 

8. Eye contact - Maintain constant, unblinking eye contact throughout the date. Remember, eyes are the windows to the soul and if you're anything like me when it comes to a woman's windows, you're going to want to look in them as long as possible.

9. Dinner - Assert your male dominance by eating as fast as possible. There is nothing more emasculating on a first date than a woman downing a McChicken faster than you.

10. Compliment Her - It's a must. Women love it when you put in a good word on their appearance. You must accentuate her good attributes to make her feel secure. For example, if she has a cold sore on her bottom lip, avoid it. This will make her feel self-conscious and uncomfortable. Compliment something else. Instead, say "Hey, that's a nice upper lip you got there." This is sure to avoid any awkwardness and if you play your cards right, by the end of the date you'll be covered in Abreva residue.

11. Cell Phone - Use it as much as possible. This will let your date know that you have other women in line just waiting to be disappointed. Some of us will have to fake this, but look busy on that phone. This will also contribute to the mood of the date. Any good date should have the comfort level of a shower scene in a Werner Herzog film.

rws 11-25-11